Change, but Always the Same
by Nightlock3908
Summary: "You can't shake the feeling that none of it could be true, like you're wandering around in a trance. Except you know that it is real. You know that there is nothing you can do but watch as the world is ripped to shreds." Pre-Same as it Never Was.


**Hey guys, this is my first TMNT fic, it just came to me while I was watching Same as it Never Was for about the third time this week. Yeah, yeah, I know I should of been studying, but oh well. It's a Great Episode.  
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**This is 2nd person POV. I'll be sad if you can't figure out who it is :)  
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**Pre - Same as it Never Was.  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own the Ninja Turtles, or anything to do with them.  
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**Change, but Always the Same**

You can't believe that it is happening, even though you know that it is true. You know that your father has died and that your brothers – the two that are left – are ready to slit each others throats. You know that _he_ abandoned you – the one brother that you thought you could always count on, the one that was always there.

You never took him for granted – no, it wasn't like that. But you knew that he would always be there to lean on, always be there to listen, always be there to help.

Until one day, he wasn't.

You can't shake the feeling that none of it could be true, like you're wandering around in a trance. A nightmare. Except you _know_ that it is real. You _know_ that there is nothing you can do but watch as the world is ripped to shreds by the creature you hate the most.

Because he isn't a man, that Shredder, and not just because he literally isn't human. There's a little thing that people like the call 'humanity', and you don't have to be human to have it. You just have to have the smallest piece of compassion in your heart.

Shredder had none. You know that. But you also know that your own compassion is sliding away, bit by bit. You're only an empty shell compared to what you used to be.

You no longer laugh. You no longer read comic books. You no longer play with your cat – he died long ago anyway. It's probably better that way. You no longer see your brothers. Not even Leonardo.

You feel closer to _him_, the one that left long ago, than you do to the ones that are still in the same world. _He's_ probably dead, which means he didn't leave on purpose. The others did. They knew you were there, they could have come back, but they didn't.

You are all but alone.

You have about one friend left in the world, and since Casey died, she's become distant, immersed in her work.

Maybe all that's a good thing. An empty shell has a higher chance of survival in this world than a compassionate one does.

In the beginning, you tried to contact your brothers. You tried to make them see that all they were doing was ripping your family even further apart than it already had been. But even you know there's no hope, because your family was ruined the moment _he_ disappeared. He always used to be so quiet, like you didn't even notice he was there until something big happened and you turned to him for answers. You didn't even notice, but it was him that was the glue that held the family to together.

Then you realize that it didn't matter that he was the one that was gone. If any of you had been the one to disappear the whole thing still would have gone wrong.

But you can't help but wonder that if _he_ were still there, if anyone else had been the one to leave, whether things would have been okay.

_He_ was smart. He could have gotten them out of difficult situations with his little bag of tricks like he always did, and then maybe Splinter would be okay. The team could have survived without you, and you know it. They could have survived without Raphael even. In reality, there were only two turtles that needed to be there. Just your luck that one of them was the one to go.

Later on, you know you're kidding yourself. This would have happened whoever left. The whole group dynamic would just be destroyed.

You know this. Yet you have difficulty believing in it.

Just as sometimes you have difficulty believing that you can only use one nunchuck at a time. Just as sometimes you try to grab something with both hands.

It's been years, yet you still find it so easy to forget, because you want to forget. Because you still can't believe what's going on.

You harden. Change. Live. Die. Survive. You're set on autopilot, trying to forget. Needing to forget. Needing to remember. Sometimes, you think you can hear him. He tells you to lighten up. That it'll be okay. That he's fixed the toaster again. That the pizza's arrived. Then he tells you he's glad he left. That he hated you. That he left to escape you. That you annoyed him one time too many.

But you know that all of that is behind you.

You move on.

There is nothing else you can do, because your past has either abandoned you, or will come back and whip you until you die. Either way isn't very pleasant.

You try to aid the resistance. You help out in the little raids that April plans. Shell, you stick your neck out for people you don't even know, people you long since stopped caring about. For a cause you long since stopped caring about. Because you know there is now hope now. Not anymore.

Yet you still help, because if you didn't, there would be no point to anything. You know Splinter would want you to help. You know _he_ would want you to help, if he were there.

And yet, you not quite sure about that. Because if he had wanted you to help so much, wouldn't he be here himself?

But you know there is nothing else you can do.

You patrol the streets and you are never caught, yet you don't feel cocky. You know that's how Raphael lost his eye way back then. You are seen a couple of times, but you are able to hold your own. You would have been a legend among the resistance if any of them had thought there was anything worth celebrating at all.

You think back to when small victories like being able to steal a gun from a Foot Police would have made you do a little dance and a big gloat. Now you just hand the gun over to the resistance and go out to look for more.

You can take down Foot Police easily. Karai-bots are a bit harder. Utrominators are a lot harder. But you manage, and you manage alone. April wants to send you a resistance team to help, even just a partner, but you refuse. You will only ever work with one team, and that team was destroyed long ago.

You try. You try to do your best, but it is hard to give others hope when you yourself have none.

You know he must be dead. There'd be no other reason why he hadn't returned, despite what your subconscious tells you. You know what he was like. He wouldn't have abandoned his brothers.

You feel like _you_ are abandoning your brothers, even though you _know_ there is nothing you can do. But you feel like you should have at least _tried_, because now the two of them are god knows where and you don't even know if they're alive.

You wish things could go back to the way they were before, but you know that it's impossible.

It's just the way it is now.

It's just the way it is.

You adopt that as a kind of mantra, a replacement for the dusty '_cowabunga_' that you haven't used in so long.

This way, you no longer wish for something else.

You no longer feel like you are in a dream. Like this isn't happening.

You no longer believe that any minute now, you'll wake up to Donnie prodding you and telling you he's made pancakes.

The world is a nightmare, yes, but you know you won't wake up.

You know this is real.

It's the way it is.

No matter how much you change, no matter how much your friends and family change, that'll stay the same.

It's the way it is.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

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**Did ya like it? If you did, tell me! I'd love to hear what you thought!**


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